To Live In The Shadow Of Perfection
by DreamsInBlackAndWhite
Summary: You're smoking now?". The question startles Ash. He nearly drops the cigarette but he manages to maintain some air of indifference. John Rider's piercing blue eyes are watching him closely with a disapproving frown painted on his face. One-Shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in the fic. They all belong to Anthony Horowitz, as does the Alex Rider series.**

"You're smoking now?".

The question startles Ash. He nearly drops the cigarette but he manages to maintain some air of indifference. John Rider's piercing blue eyes are watching him closely with a disapproving frown painted on his face.

He nods. He still doesn't know why John talks to him. John is everything he is not.

The two of them are remarkably dissimilar. Ash is slender and dark. John is well built and fair. The only thing that binds them is a constant watchfulness. An ever present tension.

"If Scorpia don't get you, those cigarettes will" John comments.

Ash has no reply because John is not joking. It is the truth. He takes another puff of the cigarette and John watches him closely. The canteen inside the Royal and General is deserted. They are the only two people seated. When John is not speaking, the only noise in the deafening silence is the kitchen staff preparing food.

John sits down opposite him and smiles warily. Ash stubs out the cigarette and takes a bite of his sandwich. John watches the other man chew thoughtfully. Ash does everything he can to avoid John's gaze.

"Helen told me about what happened" John volunteers.

Ash refuses to meet his eyes. He cannot, will not look into those watchful blue orbs. He can't bear to think of what John is looking at him with. It is pity.

He can still feel the fresh humiliation from the day before burning deep inside him. He can still recall the smile Helen gave him. He can still smell her perfume in his nostrils. He is still hurting from the rejection.

"She feels really bad. Don't think of this as awkward or anything Ash. You weren't to know she and I are together" John says kindly. Ash is still avoiding the pity in John's eyes. Still trying to hide his hurt and sorrow.

"Why don't we play squash tomorrow? I'll me you at the centre at four. We can go for a drink afterwards if you like. My treat" John suggests.

Ash blinks. He can't stand this. He doesn't need John to mind him. He doesn't need his hand held. All he wants to do right now is drown his sorrows in a bottle of vodka. But he has paper work to file and a meeting scheduled with Blunt. He can't blow off his boss to go and get smashed.

He wants to say that he doesn't want to play squash. To say that he doesn't want to talk to John or Helen. To say that he just wants to bury his head in the sand and try and forget the whole sloppy incident.

"Sure" he replies. He wants to just dig a hole, curl up in it, and then die. He thanks God that his skin is olive and blushing doesn't show up on it. He feels awful. Like an old towel that's been thrown into a pool, pulled out, wrung out and then tossed in a damp corner.

John smiles and claps him on the shoulder.

"Good man. Why don't you come with me and Ian on Sunday? We're going out for a meal to celebrate Ian's birthday and I think he'd appreciate the company" John suggests.

Ash knows he won't say no. He has come to appreciate John Rider. He's a good friend to have. Honest. Loyal. Intelligent. Funny. Everything Helen could want. Everything she has. Ash can't help the slightly bitter thought.

"Yeah, of course" Ash hears himself say. John seems unaware of just how upset he is about Helen's sweet rejection. Ash wants to just retreat from the whole world and leave his life behind.

"Great. I'll tell him your coming. You should quit the cigarettes you know. I'm not trying to preach but they really aren't good for you. See you later" John says, getting to his feet.

Ash watches him leave and finds his appetite has vanished. He places the sandwich down, all thoughts of eating disappearing before his eyes.

He cannot deny John Rider anything. He is afraid of losing the man's company. But he is jealous and upset. He allows himself one small act of defiance. He pulls out another cigarette and balances it in the corner of his mouth. He lights it in one fluid motion and blows a perfect smoke ring.

His fingers are still trembling slightly. He tries and fails to stop them. He gets to his feet and disposes of the leftovers. After all, time and tide wait for no man and he has reports to file.

Later on when he lies in bed he wonders if John inviting him out is really Helen trying to make him forget by distracting him. Helen is perfection. Ash is not. That is why she can never love him. Because she cannot see him.

John Rider blocks him out in every way. It is not purposeful. It is not deliberate. It simply is. Ash knows what it feels like to live in the shadow of perfection.

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**Complete. I would appreciate a review but I'm not going to beg.**


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